Bill Returns
by Clayton Overstreet
Summary: Dipper and Mabel come back a little sooner than expected and find they had some unfinished business in Gravity Falls...


I don't own these characters or profit from them. I do however have many books available for purchase on Amazon.

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Gravity Falls: Bill Returns

By, Clayton Overstreet

Strange and unexpected things happen in Gravity Falls. Dipper and Mabel Pines arrived in town for the secondd time not in the summer, but just in time for the New Year. They would have been there sooner, but had promised their parents they would spend the holidays with them. They got off the bus right outside the Mystery Shack, which they had found used to not be on the bus route until their Gruncle Stan had moved the sign and bench back in the late nineties and nobody had bothered putting it back.

Hefting their luggage they were greeted by a puff of smoke and Soos "appeared"… by tripping out of a bush three feet away. "Tada!"

"Hi Soos," they both said happily.

Standing up he brushed himself off and lifted the eye patch. "Hey kids. You know it takes some effort to get used to waling without depth perception."

"That's okay. Thanks for meeting us," Mabel said.

"Dudes, I just wish I still had room for you to stay at the shack. When you wrote you were coming back to town I was a little surprised. I figured you'd be back in the summer. But Melody and I share my room, we turned Stan's old room into a storage room because of the old man smell, the room where the wax people used to be is now a nursery, and I turned the attic into my grandma's room. Melody claimed Ford's old study and we sealed up the lab. So…"

"Nursery?" Mabel asked. "Are you growing flowers? Or chickens?"

"Mabel, he means they're having a baby." He paused. This was Gravity Falls. "Right?"

"Yep. Though I'm not entirely sure how that happened."

Mabel smiled. "We took a class on it. Our parents had to sign a waver." She leaned over to Dipper and whispered, "A lot of the stuff Gruncle Stan told me when I was in your body was waaaaaaaaay off."

"Anyway," Dipper said. "It's okay Soos, Old Man McGucket said we could stay at his place. Even with him raising cows in the old Northwest mansion he has plenty of extra rooms. He agreed to rent us one until we can move somewhere on our own."

"On your own? Aren't you kids a little young for that? I mean are you going to school here or…?"

"No, we live here now," Mabel said.

"And we're not going back to school," Dipper said. "Ever. I graduated."

"You did? How'd you manage that?"

"I spent my summer here exploring mad science and built a high tech machine with a hyper intelligent pig and another one with McGucket to fight an interdimensional mind demon, and then spent half the time with Uncle Ford learning pretty much everything he knew. High school wasn't exactly a challenge."

Mabel said, "And I dropped out!"

"What?"

"It was for the best," Dipper said.

"It's true. I mean I turned in a report on the 8th and ½ president, a science experiment to prove the life sustaining powers of peanut brittle, a paper on the life cycle of unicorns, and I used my grappling gun in PE. So they gave me little blue pills that made my head feel like flying cotton candy!" She crossed her arms and pouted. "It's not my fault our school still believes the lies told by the establishment."

Dipper nodded. "Yeah. So I got my diploma, a PhD, legally emancipated, and now have legal guardianship over Mabel."

"Which means nothing in regards to telling me what to do," she said pointedly.

Soos said, "Uh, didn't your dudes' parents have anything to say about that?"

"Yeah, they were against it at first," Dipper said. "Then every other house in our neighborhood was mysteriously sold to people who drive black SUVs with tinted windows, wear sunglasses and ear radios all day, and watch our house constantly. Mom and dad made us promise to write."

"Uncle Ford gave us trust funds," Mabel added. "Mostly from unicorn treasure. So we can have adventures all the time and never worry about money again. It'll be just like summer only forever and we don't need any more exposition than that or have to make up any more weird holidays because we're only here three months out of the year."

Soos nodded. "Cool." He led the way to his truck and began driving them to the Northwest/McGucket mansion. "Where's Waddles?"

"He's being shipped in a week. Without our uncles to threaten them the bus driver wouldn't let him on. In the meantime he and mom have really bonded."

"To a scary degree," Dipper said ominously.

"So anything else going on with you?"

"Um," Soos thought. "Oh the town museum has a new Northwest exhibit. Pacifica donated all the evidence of her family's crimes through the ages."

"And her parents let her do that?" Dipper asked.

"They didn't have much choice. She sued them for control of all their money and in light of their attempts to side with Bill the judge decided in her favor. She then sank most of the money into a llama farm."

Mabel's eyes widened and she looked at Dipper, hissing out, "Llamas!"

He sighed. "Yes, we'll go look at the llama farm."

"Oh and that boy band you released into the wild was adopted by a tribe of Abominable Bro-men. They fit into their society surprisingly well."

As they drove through town a few people recognized them and waved happily. In the town square where the statue of the "founder" of the town had stood before Bill melted it to slag was now a statue of the Time Baby. Stan had argued for one of him, but the rule was you only got one if you died, so he had to settle for the one Soos had at the Mystery Shack. Something moved in the shadows and Dipper saw three glowing red eyes watching them from the shadows.

"Ah, it's good to be back," he said and sat back in the seat. Then he scooted forward. "What the? Am I sitting in melted ice cream?"

"Oops, sorry dude, I lost a push-up in the seat yesterday. Totally forgot."

Dipper sighed and did his best to scoot forward. "Yep, it's good to be back."

000

After a near miss with an overly sensitive laser security system at the gate McGucket happily invited the kids inside, letting Soos drive back home to the shack. "You two just pick out any room ya want that ain't full of manure. The guy I pays ta shovel it into the pile in the garage where'n I turns it inta fuel for my robots won't be in until Thursday."

"Dibs on Pacifica's old room!" Mabel said.

"Fine then, I call dibs on the creepy secret room where they kept all the family secrets," Dipper said.

"Sounds good to me," the old man said. "Ya'll unpack and I'll probrams your faces intot he security system so's ya don't get yer heads blowed off. If ya want ta go inter town I gots some hover'n by-cycles that you can use. It's a bit of a walk from here. Dinner's at seven if'n ya like opossum gizzards."

"Great," Mabel said.

"Thanks Mr. McGucket, you're the best," Dipper said absently. During the weirdocalypse they had learned to eat a lot of new things.

They raced off to unpack and then met backing the garage. Dipper saw his sister's face and said, "Yes, we'll go see the llamas."

"Yay! Llamas!" They found the hover bikes and with an unearthly hum they glided out and down the road into town.

It turned out Pacifica's farm was not that far in. They arrived at an empty area with a large house and a large grazing area by taking a side road. They arrived and got off to knock on the door. It was opened by their butler. "Yes?"

"Is Pacifica available?" Mabel asked. "We came to meet her llamas."

"I will check." He closed the door in their faces. A moment later Pacifica appeared. Still as pretty as ever though this time wearing designer overalls with a llama symbol on the front and a pink shirt. Her makeup was flawless and her nails clean and shiny. A diamond necklace glittered at her neck.

Dipper saw her face hit "disgusted" first, but was impressed as she visibly forced it into a smile. "Oh hey, you're back! Um…" Pacifica was not used to inviting people inside unless it was an event and not poor people.

"Llamas!" Mabel screamed.

"What?" She smiled. "Oh yeah, sure. I have lots of llamas. Once I took over the family fortune it seemed like a good investment and… well there was that whole destiny thing." She brushed her hair nervously back. "If we hurry you can watch my parents earn their monthly allowance by shoveling out the field. If you want to see that."

Dipper's face got super serious. "Yes. Yes I do."

Pacifica smiled widely and led them towards the fenced off field. It was all snowy at the moment, but there were feeding troughs scattered all around. Pacifica was about to say something when Dipper suddenly disappeared in a flash of what looked like lightning. She and Mabel stopped and stared.

"Does that happen often?"

"Not… really," Mabel said. "I mean once or twice… let me check something." She bent down and checked the ground. Little flickers of electricity danced for a second. "Yep, that's time travel energy."

"Time travel?" Pacifica shook her head. "Okay someone has to say it, your lives are just crazy." She paused. "What do you do now?"

"Well usually when this happens we have some sort of adventure and then reappear pretty much when we left," she said. "So I say we wait a few days. If Dipper doesn't show back up by then or someone from the future doesn't come asking questions I'll call my uncles and see if they can track him. If not then I'll just freeze myself in peanut brittle and have uncle Ford put in some sort of DNA tracker to break me out in whatever time period Dipper appears in. Then we'll find some way to get back to now, or end up living in some future world."

"That seems oddly specific," Pacifica said.

"Yeah, my brother has a lot of contingency plans. Annoyingly they're all good." She smiled at Pacifica. "Soooo…"

Nonplussed it took her a moment but the rich girl smiled nervously and said, "Right, llamas. This way." She paused. "Don't you usually have two other girls with you?"

"Grenda went to her boyfriend's for the holiday and invited Candy since they didn't know I'd be available," Mabel said. "And with those creepy government guys tapping our phone I decided to make it a surprise." She looked at Pacifica. "What about you? Shouldn't you guys be in like, the Riviera or something?"

Pacifica looked down and rubbed her arm. "Well since everyone got turned to wood at our last party by an angry ghost all of our rich friends aren't really friends any more. And the locals all remember mom and dad trying to sell them out. I mean they're okay with me but it's just super awkward, you know?" She stood up straight suddenly. "I mean I'm still rich and super pretty and good at everything so obviously it'll clear up soon."

Mabel put a hand on her shoulder. "I'm sure it will."

Pacifica smiled at her. "Thanks Mabel." She paused. "You're sure we shouldn't worry about your brother?"

"Psh. He'll be fine." She paused. "Probably."

000

Dipper found himself floating in a void of white nothing. Not all that different from the time he and his family had fallen into the bottomless pit only less dark. Suddenly a familiar gold figure appeared in front of him. "Hey Pine Tree, ya miss me? Oh wait, no you didn't!" Bill's eye turned red and evil looking.

"Gah, Bill! But… but we destroyed you!"

The triangle shaped being laughed and floated away. "Not quite. It was a close thing, but you and your family always miss the little things. All you've done is massively drain my powers, but don't worry, I've figured out a way back and I've had time to figure out a way out of that stupid little town of yours."

"You're lying."

"Am I?" Bill floated around him. "Maybe. But I do have a plan if nothing else and it seems to me the last thing I need is you and your sister coming back and messing everything up. Again. So I did some thinking. Since I'm now master of time as well as the rest of reality, I've decided to get rid of you while at the same time letting you stick around to watch me win. I'd rather send you to the end of time itself but like I said, I'm a little drained. For now. Welcome to my world Dipper my boy. The world you weren't around to stop from happening."

000

Dipper woke up in the woods. Two women were standing over him. They were old with gray hair and looked vaguely familiar. One said, "Dipper, it's really you! It's about time you got back! Did you bring me anything?"

"Gah, I can't believe we had to hike out into the middle of the woods for this," the other said, brushing leaves out of her hair.

"Mabel? Pacifica?"

"Like, duh," Pacifica said.

Dipper looked at his sister. "What about the peanut brittle contingency?"

She blushed. "Um, things got… complicated." She helped him up and he looked up at her. "Guess I've got more than a millimeter on you now, huh?"

"You look like grandma."

"Yeah, well you look… exactly the same."

Dipper looked around. "Where's Bill? He said he was…"

"I figured as much. Come on Dipper, we'll take you to our house and explain everything."

"But Bill…"

"Bill isn't here kid," Pacifica said. "Actually Gravity Falls is pretty much the one place he isn't. It's the most normal place on Earth. Has been for almost fifty years."

Eyes wide Dipper followed the women.

000

Back in their own time Pacifica and Mabel rode through the woods on a large llama. Mabel was cool with walking, but Pacifica had refused. "I may not be able to take a limo out into the woods, but I'm sure as heck not walking to wherever this is."

"Don't you do any work on your llama farm?"

"No, I pay people to do that sort of thing. Where did you say we were going again? You promised me a spa day."

"It's a pixie nail salon."

"Pft. Yeah right."

"No seriously. The barf fairies have a place just off the unicorn meadow and away from the gnomes. The unicorns gave me a coupon for a free spa day when we saved the world for me and one of my friends. I could never choose between Grenda and Candy, but they're not here, so I thought you might enjoy it."

Pacifica had seen several unicorns among other things during the Weirdocalypse. Scorched or half turned to stone, but definitely unicorns. "Barf fairies?"

"Uncle Ford thinks maybe they eat something that makes them puke, but I think immortality and eating disorders don't go well together," she said. "Careful, they bite, but I'm pretty sure they'll avoid your llama. According to the wax head of Larry King, llamas are nature's best warriors."

"You know before you came to town I could have gone my whole life without hearing a sentence like that."

"Yeah, I'm kind of awesome like that."

Pacifica smiled and brushed a strand of hair behind her ear. "I suppose you kind of are."

000

Mabel and Pacifica were living in the same house they had been to earlier, though it was a little different. A lot of glittery picture frames that showed Mabel and Pacifica together. Some of Soos, Wendy, their friends, some unicorns and gnomes. "No pictures of Candy and Grenda? Or your other friends?"

"They were out of town when Bill took over," Mabel said sadly.

"What happened?"

Pacifica said, "It started slow at first. It's only now, that we know what happened. About sixty years ago there was a sudden push to… normalize Gravity Falls. People made deals with out of town contractors. They tore down the golf course and other places, built strip malls and parking lots. Another group made deals with the magical creatures to move them off to preserves in other places where they would be 'safe'. Even dug up the dinosaurs. More people from out of town moved in. The weird things still around eventually left rather than deal with too many tourists. The Mystery Shack got bought out by a fast food franchise. Everyone thought it was for the best."

"Then the rest of the world went mad. Without you around I sort of began looking into things," Mabel said. "And Gruncle Stan and Uncle Ford… well with Gravity Falls being less weird they came back less. I mean they visited and we've all been looking for you, but… well they were old men. Gruncle Stan wasn't in the best shape to begin with and Gruncle Stan…. Well eventually they just disappeared. Maybe they're still out there, but…"

"It's like with Elvis," Pacifica said. "Maybe he died when they said, maybe not, but by now he's probably a goner."

"Whatever Bill did," Mabel said. "He got out of town and began attacking the rest of the world. Only it meant Gravity Falls was too normal for him to get back in. Like he reversed the weirdness. He gloated about it once. Saying that maybe he couldn't get to us, but we'd be trapped while he made the rest of the world his plaything. He said we could have stopped him when he was weak and how you would have seen through his plans, but you weren't around…"

Dipper told them what Bill had done. "I'm actually kind of flattered."

"You would be," Pacifica said.

"Anyway I still had Uncle Ford's DNA tracking thingy even if I didn't do the peanut brittle trick, so when you reappeared we went out to get you. I knew you'd be back." A tear ran down her cheek. She opened her arms and Dipper came over to give her a hug.

Dipper backed up and said firmly, "Bill needs to be stopped."

"How?" Pacifica asked. "I hate to break it to you, but even those people who were in that Zodiac thing of Ford's aren't all here. Not that anyone in this town was ever all there. Soos and Melody died and his kids left years ago, that weird Robbie kid became an insurance investigator and left, and Gideon took over his dad's car lot and bilked so many people they were able to open a bigger store in Michigan."

"Bill again," Mabel said.

"He pretty much told me he was weakened," Dipper said. "His biggest mistakes always come because he's well… crazy. He spent billions of years in a different reality than ours hanging with crazy monsters. So while he's really powerful, he doesn't really get us." He frowned. "I guess if he was weakened and beaten enough he must have decided to be sneakier. I just don't get how he's back. We destroyed him."

"Well he did make a lot of copies of himself," Mabel said. "Maybe one of them survived."

"I don't think so. I mean they weren't copies. They were all just him. Bill wouldn't let another version of himself run around. They would turn on him faster than those copies of me did. And according to Uncle Ford if two versions of a person from different universes touch, it destroys everything. No way would Bill risk that." He looked at Mabel. "Isn't there anybody left who can help us?"

"Well I think there might be one," she said. "There are stories of some things near the edge of town. I think the hand witch is still out there."

"Maybe she can help," Dipper said. "Uncle Ford said she was working as a fortune teller when he was younger and she had plenty of weird powers. Maybe she can help me find out what Bill did to come back. Or send me home." The two of them looked at each other uncertainly. "What?"

"Dipper going out to the woods is one thing," Mabel said. "But it's been sixty years. I am not up for climbing a mountain."

"And I wouldn't let her go even if she was," Pacifica said firmly.

Dipper frowned at her. "I need her. She's my sister!"

"I need her, she's my wife!"

He stared, jaw dropping. "What?" Pacifica and Mabel held up matching rings.

Mabel smiled. "I told you, things got complicated. I mean come on my summer romances turned out to be gnomes, a merman, and a crazy guy with sock puppets. Pacifica and I are different, but… that's how it worked out."

Pacifica said, "I know it sucks kid but it's been sixty years. Twenty… maybe even ten years ago we could have gone with you. But we're old women. We've lived most of our lives here, safe from what Bill did to the rest of the world."

"You're our last hope," Mabel said. "Not me bro. I tried, but I'm not you and without the magic…" She looked sad about the whole thing. But she reached over and took Pacifica's hand. "We had to make our own. The normal way."

"Welcome to Gravity Falls."

Dipper shook his head. "I won't pretend to understand how this happened, but okay. You got old and normal I guess it happens to a lot of people and if Bill reversed things, I suppose it makes sense." He looked at Mabel and said, "But I'm going to fix it. Somehow I'm going to make Bill pay and I am going to make sure that we have a really magical life, whatever I have to do. Being normal sucks."

"There are some good points, but yeah, save the world Dipper. You're my brother. That's what you do."

Dipper nodded and turned to leave. Then he stopped and snickered. The two women looked at him and said, "What?"

He turned and looked at Pacifica. "Your initials are PP! Ha!"

Mabel giggled. "Hahaha!"

Pacifica groaned. "Oh come on. Do you know how many decades it took to get her to stop making that dumb joke?!" She took off a shoe and threw it oat him. "Get out of here you little brat."

Dipper laughed and ducked outside.

000

Three hours later he managed to slog up the mountain to the cave of the hand witch. Looking into the distance he could see that there was only blue sky and sunlight directly over the town. The rest of the horizon was a swirling mix of hideous shapes and monsters. Pulling himself up he walked to the opening. "Hello?" His voice echoed back. "Is anyone there?" He walked inside and listened for the sounds of nails scraping on stone. The place looked all dark and spider webby again, like it had before Mabel had given is a makeover. "Is anybody here?"

"Who disturbs the lair of the hand witch!?" A cracked voice cried from the darkness.

Dipper backed towards the sunlight. "It's uh… it's me. Dipper Pines."

"Dipper?" The voice sounded shocked. He saw a hunched figure in rags come forward and extend a hand. A glowing orb appeared. "Dipper, is it really you?"

"You remember me?"

"I never forgot you," the voice whispered and she raised the light higher.

The witch had changed. She was still old and hunched with warts but… "Wendy?"

She cackled and stepped forward. "It really is you."

"What happened? You look… different."

She smiled revealing gapped yellow teeth. "When you disappeared things… got boring. I wanted something to show you when you got back. I knew you'd be back. Mabel said so too. While I was out and about the hand witch put an ad out for an apprentice. With the town getting so normal and my dad in court ordered anger management classes I had nothing better to do once the Mystery Shack closed. Eventually I learned it all and she and her boyfriend moved out."

Dipper shook his head. "I'm so sorry Wendy. Bill…"

"I know what Bill did," she snapped. "I know why you're here too. Come, follow me." He turned and led him into the cave.

On the walls Dipper noticed something as they walked inside. Over and over his name. Dipper. Dipper Pines. DP. Dipper Corduroy. Wendy Corduroy. Wendy Pines. WP… "What?"

"You like it?"

"What is all this?"

She looked at him and for a moment under the wrinkles and age he saw the old Wendy. "I've had a lot of time to think Dipper." She led him to a room with a table, two chairs, and a crystal ball that glowed on the table. She took a seat and motioned for him to sit across from her. "Three failed marriages. A string of boyfriends who just never worked out. You know what I realized? That I was an idiot."

"You were?"

"I should have dated you. You and I always clicked and I stupidly let the fact that you were about two years younger than me get in the way." She sighed. "I even looked into a parallel universe with my crystal where Bill never came back and you and I got married. We had a greta life of adventure, were happily married for sixty years before being sucked into some strange vortex to save the world, and had three kids who were basically lumberjack ninjas. It was kind of awesome."

Dipper frowned and looked around. "Aw man, I'm in one of Bill's bubble worlds aren't I? This is exactly what happened in Mabel's… oof!" His eyes shot open as the witch's foot connected with his groin. "Owie!" He fell over out of the chair, clutching himself.

Wendy cackled. "That seem like part of one of Bill's paradise traps to you boy?"

"Still wearing lumberjack boots huh?" Dipper asked, tears in his eyes.

Looking down at him she smirked. "Bill was severely weakened when you last were in Gravity Falls Dipper and since then he can't touch this place." She waved a hand over her crystal. "He hid himself from scrying in the decade it took his plan to come to fruition, so I don't know how he got free but I know that once he did he was trapped outside like he was trapped inside before. Good for us. Bad for America."

"How did this happen?' Dipper asked. "We wiped Bill out. My Gruncle Stan gave up his mind to stop that one eyed monster."

"I don't know. You're right, all the prophecies and information I've gotten say Bill was supposed to either destroy our world or be defeated. Maybe it's because we never formed the zodiac…"

"I wish I still had a copy of my uncle's journal. Or that McGucket was still around." Hepaused. "Wait a minute… McGucket… copy! That's it!" He slapped his forehead. "Bill was right, we missed the obvious."

"What do you mean?"

"The memory eraser! It doesn't just erase the memories!"

Wendy gasped. "Of course! It also made a backup copy!"

"That must be why Bill was so weak when he reappeared. He wasn't really him. He was a copy." He frowned. "My guess is since Uncle Ford was gone he knew he'd never get the algorithm to escape. If there even is one. Ford showed me how the weirdness field works around the town, attracting strange things and people. Or it did."

"So how did he get out?"

"He probably normalized the town. Flipped the field. Weird things attract weird things. There was strange stuff all over the world. A lot of it just congregated here. Only Bill and his cronies were too weird to leave. So he probably acted normal and in his weakened state once the town was normalized he was able to slip free."

"He must have had his corporeal form too," Wendy said. "I know a bit about magic now. If he got back that body he made himself it would have boosted his powers back."

"The one that turned to stone when he took over Stan's mind? Yeah, that makes sense."

Wendy stared at him and smiled. "I have really missed you Dipper."

Dipper saw a series of dolls that looked like him and Wendy on a natural shelf in the cave wall. Many held hands. Others kissed. "I can see that."

The creepy old woman blushed. "Ignore the dolls!"

"Sorry. Um look Wendy… I think I need to go back and find out where that memory canister is. I can't take Bill on now. Mabel and Pacifica were right. It's too late. Maybe I could live out my life in Gravity Falls, but I can't just sit back and let Bill win. Do you know a spell or something that could send me back in time?"

"I could send your hands back in time," she suggested.

"How would that help?"

"Look, this wasn't exactly wizard school. It was a creepy old fortune telling witch who lived in a cave. I can look through time and do magic involving hands. That's about it."

"Wait… time. Do you know what happened to Blendin? Maybe he could get me back."

"I'll check." She peered into her crystal ball. "There he is… in the town cemetery. It looks like once the Time Baby was destroyed the power source for his time tape measure thing went with him."

"Oh… where is it now?"

"Buried with him. In Robbie's parents' old graveyard. Though now a big part of that is where Gideon's old car lot used to be."

"Weird. It's almost like everyone from that zodiac is helping me in some way, even if they aren't here." He looked at Wendy. "Is that possible?"

She shrugged. "You got me kid. Only… do you have to leave so soon?" She smiled nervously. "I… I've really missed you. Once I realized how great you were I knew I'd been comparing all the guys in my life to you. You totally got me Dipper. And I'm sorry I didn't realize that until it was too late. Worried too much that my friends would think it was weird and all…" She sighed. "You even remind me of this kid I had my first crush on when I was a little girl. He was really cute and seemed nice. I only ran into him once and my best friend teased me about it when I told her."

"Yeah, um, that was me," he said. "Time travel shenanigans."

She stared. "You? Really?"

"Yeah. Um, it's part of what made me realize how you must have felt with me. You were only four or five so… yeah."

"And now I'm even older than I was." She reached out a clawed and warty hand to touch Dipper's. He forced himself not to draw back. "I think that hurts the worst. So much difference between us now and I could have had you when it was only two years."

Finally Dipper pulled his hand free. "Yeah, well… I got it."

"I was stupid."

"Yeah well I am kind of great," he said with a smile. "Um, by the way, do you have a shovel? I guess I gotta go dig up a grave."

000

Mabel and Pacifica were getting manicures while two unicorns sat under hair driers a few feet away when Dipper suddenly appeared out of thin air. He landed in a tub of green goop that the fairies were spreading over the girl's faces. "Yuck!"

Not moving Mabel did not even take off the cucumbers over her eyes Mabel said, "Dipper is that you?"

He got out of the tub, dripping on the floor. "Yeah. Um, are you okay?"

"Yeah, me and Pacifica are having a spa day."

"I think I just landed in your mud pack."

"That's not mud."

He paused. "What is it?"

"Don't ask," Pacifica said. "Mabel I love a manicure, but are you sure my nails should be this short?"

"Totally."

Pacifica reached up and lifted a cucumber from her eye. "Dipper… are you holding like, a human skull?"

"Yeah," he said, shaking the mud off the device in his hand. The fairies glared at him, but he ignored it. The skull had buck teeth and was attached in weird ways to what looked like a tape measure. It appeared to be chewing something. "I needed an infinite paradox free power source to get Blendin's time device to work since the Time Baby is gone. So I dug up Soos's grave and turned him into a zombie. Then I hooked his skull up to the device and put the infinite pizza he got from the Time Baby in to his mouth."

"Neat," Mabel said. "So you went to the future."

"Yeah and we have a problem. Bill might be back." Both sat up, their cucumbers hitting the ground with splats. "I think I can fix it though."

"But Dipper, it's been at least eleven pages since you vanished. The episode is almost over!"

"I'll handle it." He looked out through the front window. "Hey Pacifica, can I borrow your llama?"

"Uh sure."

Rushing out the door Dipper called, "Thanks! You're the best sister-in-law ever!"

"What did he say?"

Mabel shrugged. "I have no idea. I think I have mud in my ears and those hair driers are loud."

"That's not mud."

"I know, but I didn't want to think about that." She stood up and peeled the green gunk off her face. "How do I look?"

"Gorgeous," Pacifica said doing the same. "Of course I'm still prettier."

"Of course," Mabel said rolling her eyes.

"But… you're cute too."

She smiled. "Thanks."

The door opened. They turned and were surprised to see Wendy there. She saw Mabel and said, "Hey, you're back. Was that Dipper I just saw riding off on a llama?"

"He's doing the hero thing," Mabel said. "What are you doing here?"

"Yeah, you aren't exactly the type to hang out at a nail salon," Pacifica said.

She shrugged. "Unlike some people, I don't need it." Pacifica frowned and blushed but kept her mouth shut. She had seen Wendy in the Weirdocalypse and did not want to mess with her. "I come here to sweep up and and collect left over unicorn hair. I'm making Weirdocalypse shelters with that spell Ford and Dipper used on the shack. I'm making a fortune selling them to the people around here."

"Neat," Mabel said. She looked at Pacifica. "I guess this means we're walking back."

She groaned. "I knew this was a mistake. Though I have to say my skin looks amazing." They said goodbye to Wendy and promised to meet up at the Mystery Shack later. Out in the woods Pacifica looked around. "Um, now that we don't have my attack llama, would you mind holding my hand? Just while we walk?"

Mabel nodded. "Sure. I mean it's not like I'm going to tease you about it. There are actual monsters out here." She laced her fingers with Pacifica's and they shared a nervous smile. "You know you're nice when you try."

"Yeah, but I'm not very good at it, I know."

"I could help you with that, if you want."

Pacifica hesitated and then squeezed a little more. "Yeah, I think I would like that." They started walking. "Um, you wanna make out?"

"Sure."

000

(Ten Hours Later)

Soos, McGucket, Wendy, her friends, and Mabel listened as Dipper told a harrowing fight between him, Pacifica's llama, and a Bill-possessed Tad Strange at the museum over a box of pizza. It was an epic battle of swashbuckling adventure. Unfortunately there isn't enough time to put all the details in here before the fic ends. Maybe if you read faster, but because you got held up, we'll have to skip all the fantastic details.

"And then I sucked Bill back into the tube and threw it into the boiler where it burned up completely," Dipper finished and everyone applauded.

Wendy said, "Wait, so you're saying that either I date you or I grow up to be a crazy old witch in a cave pining for you for the rest of my days? Or I can date you and give birth to cool lumberjack ninjas one day and have a life of amazing adventures?"

Robbie said awestruck, "That is the best pick up line ever!" he and the other guys got to their knees and bowed low chanting, "We're not worthy! We're not worthy!"

She eyed Dipper. "Is it just a line or what?"

He shrugged. "It's what happened."

Unconvinced she looked at her friends. "And you guys don't think it'd be weird if I hooked up with a kid two years younger than me?"

Getting up Robbie said, "Actually we were all surprised you didn't date him. I mean he's only two years younger than you."

"He saved the world."

"He fought ghosts and stuff."

"So what if he's a little younger? My stepmother is a woodpecker."

Robbie shrugged. "Even when we were dating I knew you two had this obvious connection. Plus he's way cooler than me even if he is a little squirt. Now that we're broken up I was totally intimidated."

Rubbing her arm Wendy looked at Dipper, "I mean it's not that I didn't notice it's just…"

"Plus he's willing to put up with a lot for you," Robbie went on.

Wendy turned to look at him. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well you're um…" He hedged. "You're kind of high maintenance, Wendy. Even when we're just friends. No offence."

"I am?"

The others all nodded.

"Oh yeah."

"Definitely."

"Hard to live up to."

"Kinda needy."

"Plus your whole family is made up of dangerous psychos who'll kill anyone who looks at you funny."

"You sometimes scare me more than they do… a lot."

She stared at them, letting that sink in. "Wow…"

Dipper shrugged. "Personally I don't see it."

"Yeah but dude, you totally fight demons and monsters and did all those Man-o-taur test thingies." Soos said. "I get it. I'm pretty easy myself. Low maintenance, that's my style."

"Testify brother," the muffled voice of his zombified skull said where it lay on the counter top still munching infinite pizza.

Pacifica shrugged. "Me too." They all stared at her. "I am! I've got people to take care of everything for me and already own everything I could want. I mean think about it, I go out on a yacht with someone and all they have to worry about is rubbing suntan lotion on my back. Everything else would be taken care of by the caterers or whatever. All my parents ever do most of the time is shop, go on trips, and boss everyone who works for them around. And me up until recently."

"Ooo, caterers," Mabel said. "Can they make heart shaped cookies with inch thick frosting?"

"With edible glitter and gold flakes," Pacifica assured her.

"Edible glitter. Wow… all my dreams are coming true!" Her pupils dilated as she imagined what that would be like. "And Wendy's going to be my big sister! Everything's coming up Mabel!"

Wendy looked nervously down at Dipper and smiled. "So um, I guess you're my boyfriend."

He blushed and looked down and drew circles with his toe. "Yeah, I guess." He looked up at her. "Um… I'm not really ready to make out or anything but… this weekend… well I found this weird map at the museum… there was something about a forbidden cursed tomb and a guardian of untold terror hidden deep in the woods that only appears under a full moon… do you maybe want to go with me and poke it with a stick or something?"

Eyes bright she smiled and said, "Do I!? Try and stop me!" She suddenly bent down and kissed him on the forehead, right in the middle of the Big Dipper on his forehead. "This may work out after all. Wendy Pines… doesn't sound too bad." His eyes rolled up in his head and he fainted. Wendy giggled. "Okay this is definitely going to be fun."

McGucket shook his head as a raccoon popped out of his beard and took a bite of his pizza. "I may have spent the last few decades in a psychotic haze, but I swear you kids is just plumb loco."

"Anybody else coming?" Dipper asked. Most of the teens quickly backed away shaking their heads.

"Ooo, me!" Mabel said. She grabbed Pacifica's hand. "It sounds sooo romantic."

Pacifica looked at her with the "she's insane" look Mabel got from just about everyone. Then she sighed and squeezed back as she said, "Fine, but if I get eaten or something I'm so suing all of you." They looked at her. "Hey if some dead lumberjack can come back and curse everyone to turn into wood, I can sue you all from beyond the grave."

"Yay! Llama rides in the woods!" Mabel cheered.

From a nearby vent a voice said, "Can I come too? You'll need a chaperone."

Dipper shrugged. "Sure, why not?" He leaned over and whispered to Wendy. "If we find a cursed idol we'll swap him for it to avoid setting off the booby traps."

She nodded. "Totally."

Author's Note

Please Review This and any of my other fics you read.

Personally I felt a two year age gap was no reason for Wendy to turn Dipper down. I mean they don't have to get all gropey right away and it's not like any of her other relationships work out. When she's twenty-two he'll be twenty so… who cares? There are people int hat town that literally marry woodpeckers.

And yes, I think Pacifica and Mabel make for a good couple. She'd help Pacifica become a better person and Pacifica does seem to think Mabel's pretty otherwise why would she keep telling her that she's prettier and everything?

As for Bill, think about it. The memory gun keeps a copy of whatever is erased, right? And Mabel did not break that part of the device. And the prophecy does say the zodiac was supposed to destroy him, so maybe he could come back if someone got the tube and maybe plugged it into that machine under the museum. Let's hear it for Season 3 or Gravity Falls: The Movie!


End file.
